1:32a: I quit. signing up for eharmony. Don't judge
Turns out "bordello" doesn't mean what I thought it did.
So called my VP's house on Sunday drunk and told him that if he didn't hire me for the new position I would skull fuck his wife. They asked me to go home today. Thanks again Vodka
the nicest thing hes ever said to me is give me head.......please
i don't want you to think of me as your TA
She fell asleep on the sidewalk and people starting using her as a hurdle
That dude you fucked three years ago just won Jeopardy
Had "I should be in prison or dead" storytime at the bar. Found out James has done blow off a dead guy. Overwhelmed and speechless.
If I don't end up being a booty call for Valentine's Day, you wanna go to the movies?
On the verge of sleeping with a man who can take me to an early bird dinner and a movie with his AARP discount. YOLO
You told me you had two boobs that want to be naked for me. I'm just following up on your request.
Your brother just walked into my room, pissed drunk and butt naked, got into my bed and fell asleep. In knowing I am gay, you have one hour to deal with him before I do
But like now I know, men who are vegetarians are significantly worse in bed.
I got really stoned and got my certification as an ordained minister. How productive has your day been?
no its a draw, weve been through this, when were keeping score on getting laid i get a plus 1 handicap each week because of your British accent! its only fair!
Randomize
