i wish that i had sketchier friends so that it would be easier to get drugs
So the "just a friend" kid confessed his love for me...sometimes I hate how awesome I am.
Thanks for buying me a sippy cup, its so pretty and everyone keeps telling me its probably the best gift anyone could have given me
i just found this napkin with your number on it in my jacket pocket. it reads amy, drawing of a wine bottle and a house
I accidentally peed all over the couch. It's safe to say I'm not welcome at that house anymore
I feel like butter and tequila would be excellent combination. Right now. Please do this in my name.
I hear the sound of that stray bird you rescued from the kitchen but am too busy drunkenly masturbating to feed it
2 men making out for 2 seconds to trick a cop so they don't get arrested for being pulled over rolling a blunt is not gay.
Apparently my Ambien addled brain last night actually did decide to go ahead and photoshop you into various animal and human molesting scenarios. That's a hell of a thing to wake up to.
Do I lose at life if I cry in a grocery store while buying a pregnancy test?
Okay first of all, that is a sick ass nickname please call me that forever. Second, i need your help.
Don't make me do math I'm drunk and full of chicken
I told him to take the baby so I could work out. My workout consisted of getting high and masturbating
I remember is someone saying "I smell weed" and then having a room full of sober high school kids look at me.
I almost suffocated in that mask but she kept calling me Jeremy so I kept it on.
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