One minute shes telling me about her volunteer work then she whips out a 12 inch dildo
they said they heard you say put it in my butt
you drank a bottle of vodka and then while throwing up in my toilet you kept reminding me our hs reunion was in 2 yrs and it was time to start getting thin again anyway
we're making bets on your personal life
sooo....i just remembered that someone fed me a pretzel out of their purse at the bar last night.
One good thing about being a mom now, I can tell which guys I'm dating were breastfed and which weren't... By the way they latch on to my breast during sex! Kinda kills the mood.
The less fucks you give, the more fucks you get. Kinda like "a penny saved is a penny earned" but with vagina.
Can we discuss your tits for a sec? That melon patch sprung up over night
Haha! You know I mean that in a positive way. Like, "let them eat cake!" Or in our case, "let them achieve obesity from the two entree plate at Panda Express!"
it was just another one of those moments where you unfriendzone a friend you assumed to be gay
Explaining that I bought them at a strip club gift shop with my friend didnt make the furry handcuffs seem less weird
Just broke into a house and crawled through a window. Upside: getting laid.
Not only did I get the promotion, but last night after sex he took me outside and let me hold it for him while he peed in the snow. I made a heart. This week is going amazing
PLEASE AT LEAST MEOW SO I KNOW YOU AREN'T DEAD
What am I doing? I'm usually only attracted to horrible people.
Randomize
