I'm fucking him on the second date. I don't give a fuck what Patti Stanger says.
no where in the syllabus does it say "no alcoholic beverages allowed".
Are you dead or are you taking another 13 hour nap? you need to let me know these things ahead of time so i dont worry.
Any coincidence your getting married tomorrow and it's the most predicted day for the rapture? Just saying
Do you think the neighbors will know I was the one giving out the penis shaped lollipops to the children?
Maybe I'll just get really drunk on valentines day and tell him I think his penis is small
He walked door to door asking if anyone needed to get laid. Surprisingly, that ended his drought
Hey mom, soo do we have a family lawyer or am I on my own for that?
Part of my treatment is getting high and having sex with 22 year olds. I have a prescription!
My sister just showed me a snap chat that I don't remember sending, it was a picture of me with two big macs in my bra with just the words "BURGER TITS"
YOU SHOULD HAVE BEEN THE FIRST VISITOR TO CHRISTMASLAND
Do not buy a prego test at the Walgreens you frequent. It's awkward. Just trust me.
I have only made 3 good decisions in my life and getting really stoned reenacting the Lion King with my cat in a lion mane hat is 2 of them.
he told me his feelings for me AFTER sex, so that means he meant it right?
I hate waking up to a room that reeks of bad decisions...
Randomize
