sexting loses it's worth when you accidentally text your boss.
Why did I wake up this morning with 10 tally marks on my hand and a penis drawn on my tits?
just bought a 30 and sold it for $2 a can to some dumb ass high school kids. now lets buy two and get really drunk
I just found three unopened cans of PBR behind our futon that I think I was saving for winter.
btw my roommates send a round of applause to you and that guy you tried to fuck on our wall. Additionally they hope he got it in.
At the same time. Hot men feeding me brownies. In between rounds of sex.
U owe me five dollars for that paper towel you bet i wouldnt eat last night
That freshman kid successfully snuck into a college party, got caught, proceeded to jump out of a second story window without getting a scratch then met up with us a block away and somehow managed to get a bottle of grey goose in the meantime. He is truly blessed by the alcohol gods
i cant believe im seriously wearing his ex girlfriends underwear right now
My kids are NEVER playing in the park more than 2 feet away from me until they are capable of punching an eagle.
Apparently drunk me thought it was a good idea to buy $100 worth of band aids and stick them all over everything in the apartment.
Go to a building you've never been before and take a shit. It's marvelous
When he mumbled "I can't feel my legs," proceeded to stand, fall over, and just lay there I knew I'd given great head...
Holy. Shit. I just remembered all the lapdances....
This pandemic, it’s making everyone horny. I’ve got dick stashed all over town
Randomize
