my best friend tried to rape me with a pineapple
and that's why we call him explosion in my pants. no one remembers his real name.
I'm giving you permission to use the abortion money to pay for your DUI.
I told my rommate that he was pissing on his bed. He said "ok man" and took a step backwards and continued. He then went back to bed.
so I'm in athletic shorts, a suit jacket and I'm still drunk at 6:30am at the last leg of relay for life
This girl just introduced herself as Queefer Sutherland. She's on a roller derby team. What. The. Fuck.
4pm update. Theres smashed cake inside my duffel bag, a vodka bottle in the dish drainer, and the most productive thing ive done is make 40 pigs in a blanket
I will come over now to take full advantage of you in your vulnerable state.
Fine. I should warn you I just threw up in danas fish tank. Fish are dead. Livers dead. I smell and look like a dead animal. And not showering. So deal with it.
I feel bad for the cleaning lady. All you can smell is latex and Jaegermeister
if it doesnt flame it aint got game is a bad drinking motto eyebrow-wise.
eyebrows regrow, your balls dont
Just came to the realization that what I thought were orgasms were just lightheadedness from hyperventilation. My entire sex life is a lie.
It's funny because every time I go up and down the stairs it's an adventure. A A DRUNK ADVENTURE. PS I ALREADY THREW UP WTF
2014 decided to stick it to me one last time. Right up the ass.
I finally figured out how to tighten my bra straps and I feel like a god
I've never been so excited to be bleeding from my vagina.
Randomize
