You keep asking me questions like I have this magical thing called a memory
can we take a shower together?
no need for the romantic shit. I'm a sure thing
My mom is wearing Ed Hardy. There aren't words.
You don't even understand how penises react in the cold. I'm like a 8 year old boy right now.
I just smoked a bowl in the dining room and am now drinking a glass of chocolate milk. i can't believe i'm getting paid for this.
I'm really proud of her, she waited until she was on tiled floor to start puking on the ground
How many folks do you know who bring coke to a dinner party. Seriously.
Just rescued a super cute pair of Gucci heels off the sorority lawn on my way to work. Things are worth two paychecks. Fuck trust fund kids.
I get a little bitchy. We all know that
Okay, I just reached peak living alone
I ate a piece of chocolate cake while jerking off
i just woke up, first off why is there pineapple everywhere and who's underwear is on my ceiling fan ?
You date? I thought you just hooked up with your TAs
Dude, exfoliate your balls. you'll thank me later.
He grabbed a pine cone off the ground and yelled "I love cigars" then tried to smoke it for ten minutes.
I'm, like, this 🤏🏼 close to buying crocs
And you're also 🤏🏼 to never putting your dick inside me again
Randomize
