just got 3 freshman girls to makeout with each other at a toga party! score!
why is this not a picture message?!?!
She just sent me a picture of a heart. I need to stop fucking freshman...
he opened up his "box of magic": a crusty tube of KY jelly, three expired condoms, a fingertip vibrater, and a jar of marshmallow fluff.
I just passed on expense account drinking, this must be the worst hangover ever.
Something smells like weed and I think it might be my mascara. Come sniff my eyes
Waking and baking has revolutionized how i brush my teeth. Seriously up to like 25 min everry morn. Highly recommend
Shrimp lo Mein doused in green apple Smirnoff is a rare delicacy only a few get to experience..guess I should consider myself lucky
Somewhere between the 30 minutes of cunnilingus, the improvised song about the Olympics, and the super thoughtful shower beer... I knew I married the right guy
My new hangover cure is going for a haircut, just so the stylists give me a scalp massage during the shampoo.
That certainly explains the nine times your hair has looked different just this last month alone.
Boats looked like robot pelicans and time was slow and now im on wipe out
My parents just told me that if I stop drinking I could do something great with my life...
They obliviously haven't seen you dance on top of a pool table then
I am no longer drunk enough to crave tostitos
I just pulled a seven inch black hair out of my ass. Pretty sure that means we're dating now
Haha idk you were stealing pizza dough at dominos
Oh and itβs been a year according to my snap chat memories since I banged your cousin in your sons truck pulled over on Elm St! ππππ¬π³π
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