So.. my mom just told me she hasn't gotten laid in 7 years... I'm really disturbed.. at the same time... At least now I know why shes so damn cranky all the damn time
Please don't tell me you're asking me to have sex with your mother.
i mean really, i cant compete with a cucumber
I dont think punching her boob is the type of reverse psychology that will get her to blow you.
HE HAS A CHODE. LIFE IS NOT GOING TO BE EASY FOR HIM.
The bad decision stars are too close to aligning to risk this tonight.
Oh god. Standing was a rash decision
I made it to Starbucks to do work and I've just been sitting here with my head on the table for 30 minutes...
The air was thick with penises
At least I will not still be rolling when I pick up this animal. Thats a good development in five years
I have a bruise on dick where you tried to "high five" me.
It's either gonna be a cock in my mouth or a burger. You decide which.
Someone's vagina was extra sandy cause the left side of my bed feels like the beach.
Although a guy bought me a shot of fireball last wknd and I told him he wouldn't even get half a handjob for that and walked away so don't tell me I don't have standards
Note to self: trying to grow pubes back = worst decision of 2014 thus far
Our drunk hook up was interrupted by the delivery guy. When he came back to my room we ate the gyros and went back to sex like we didn't take a lunch break.
I told him we can’t see each other today because absence makes the heart grow fonder but mostly I just need to rest my vag
Randomize
