i was so high i thought his mole came off and was flying around
so after the bed broke we walked out of the room to a standing ovation
he's legally blind and likes the sound of my voice, good enough for me.
i mean i should have known that when i started taking shots with my zumba instructor i was in for a rough night...
You were walking around with a baby carrier pretending your vodka was a baby. You tried to get pictures on santas lap
Dude I walked 1.4 miles through the hotel wearing a cowboy hat, pink topped boots, gucci shades, and a scarf and met my parents in the hallway at 7 am how is this not a good start to Vegas?
No, he went to go get condoms. The least I could do was chug two beers before he got back
Wow. I feel like a bad friend. My fuckbuddy wished you a happy birthday before I did. The reality of that just hit me.
Ps we ordered a pizza at the pool today and I dropped the entire thing in the pool. We still ate it. #canthang
I pretty much told him I was too sober for this an just walked away and all I heard was "IT'S BECAUSE IM A BAD KISSER ISN'T IT" OVER AND OVER AGAIN
She said, I've heard about you, from girls you wouldn't even be interested in. What?
I just scored a new eye doctor and a date all in one email. BOOM!
a guy just skateboarded past my window in a bunny suit while chased by a dog walker
Would it be inappropriate to meet you at the airport after your family vacation so I can tell you all about the amazing sex I have been having?
Yo I'm lookin at the cows. They're just fucking docile things
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