I think misery doesn't even think of me as company anymore. I'm an unofficial roommate.
Fuck now we have to have sex
What?
In a bet, need to win
I'm sitting in my bathroom sink, eating a tuna sandwich. He had better weed than I expected.
he described going down on me as being like 'entering a jungle of deliciousness and fur
Sometimes when I see a shoe on the side of the road, I get a little depressed that I've never partied that hard.
His rebound girl is half his size, looks like a leprechaun, is majoring in theater studies and has arms like Rosie O'donnell. Do I win?
You just sat there and yelled "I JUST WANT TO RUB MY NIPPLES"
yeah the cable guy is coming and everybody is hiding all the pieces in the house. we are up to thirty two. like a fun game of smokable scavener hunt.
It's Been clinically proven that people who have sex 6 or more times per week are happier than those who don't. Just and FYI. For your mental health. From a soon so be psychologist. Who is drunk.
Well it's like a wise man once told me: "If you're going to shave your balls, don't do it hungover."
Being drunk with magicians is fucking mind blowing. This Asian guy just made a platypus appear and disappear. This is not a drill.
If more people understood that brunch is at 3pm the world would be a better place because you don't have to wake up early. Breakfast food is important
I literally just told you I found out I masturbate in my sleep. I think we can be snapchat friends again
I walked in..crop dusted the whole place then asked her if she wanted to go to a place that smells better.
You were always a thinker
now whenever i pass that house all i can think about is how i pooped in their yard..
Randomize
