made out with three guys on the first night of college orientation, just imagine what joys all of next year will hold
I just don't understand how a line to ride a camel on a college campus could be too long for you to wait in.
We should invent fake asshair for you to wear so you can experience my pain for a day.
I think mom knows I'm drunk I put a full blown balloon in the fridge.
Girl just walked into the bar with a T-shirt that says "I'm not Irish, kiss me anyways." Target aquired.
How dare you question the sanctity of Chocolate-and-Porn day
By the way, anytime you want to go toe to toe on Doggystyle lyrics just let me know!
Who is this? Did we just become best friends?!
Drinking a grey goose and water in a random chair that I found by the road by myself
So there's that.
doing the walk of shame back to your house in nothing but a bed sheet was definitely not one of my proudest moments..
Um went out in San Francisco last night and ignored someone hitting on me. So they bit my arm. Lmfao PLEASE TELL ME THIS ISNT THE SINGLE LIFE
Gonna be late for work. Sex comes first. Priorities.
My yoga ball is now going to be used for actual exercise instead of somewhere to suction cup a dildo
Remember when I convinced you to watch me eat my sandwich just so you could reuse my plate and save us money on our water bill? I'm so ecofriendly when I'm high
Why did u text me "I want to get drunk and go to pizza hut tomorrow. don't let me forget." at 3am??
That text was pretty fucking self-explanatory, man.
I’m really regretting these suede pants.
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