these burps are starting to have way more vomit in them,
Is it wrong to scream your own name when about to bust?
So his roomate was eating breakfast when I was sneaking out. He's the guy I took home from jessicas wedding. I ended up eating coco puffs with him
Just another sign I need to get out of this town
drunk...on the white house tour...security is staring. this will not end well.
We talked about all of the sex positions that would better allow him to feed me grapes. I think I'm in love.
You've slept with me you know how lazy I am in bed.
I'm like the Mother Theresa of booty calls.
There's a mechanical bull in the basement dude where are you
I'll remember. Also, I owe you 200 for a pair of shoes that I carelessly bought to improve my spinal structure, to improve my health and ensure that I love to be 300 years old. Like Adam. Of the bible.
He's against "violent sex" cause apparently my body is "sacred". Like dude I'm about to tell you about blowing your brother just so you'll fuck me like an animal Jesus Christ....
I have feelings that need drinking.
Oh good, bag of butt plugs is in my predictive text now
Typing the whole thing out was getting to be such a chore
Yeah man, you were grinding with his wife, I wouldn't be worried about it
How did I get home last night?
We put your keys on a lanyard that asked anyone that found you to bring you home. A nice man in a cape, green shorts and a mesh shirt dropped you off this morning.
Oh. Yeah. Riiiggghhht
He fucks strippers and doesn’t have a life plan. Of course I’m going to regret this
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