so I woke up this morning and on their fridge, the first item on the shopping list was my virginity.
you didnt know i had herpes?
You stressed the importance of not breaking the seal too early... and then proceeded to piss your pants when you sneezed.
My financial advisor pointed out that 37% of my income is currently going towards "non-essential food items"
That's banker lingo for "you're an alcoholic"
fine. I googled it. you have to eat 5 to die so apparently I'm in the clear.
Careful, it's a slippery slope to discovering you're bisexual...trust me.
Actually some of the best sex I've had involved a lot of laughing.
How small IS your cock?
I look like slutty woodland creatures dress me in the morning. Everybody's got problems.
You aren't going to like my movie choice because it's a Disney movie, but I am cordially inviting you to the couch for blowjobs.
I don't know what to think. Also, I decided to take a bath...sorry in advance if I flood the bathroom.
If our sexual relationship was relative to the Harry Potter series, I would have claimed the Wizard's Cup at least ten times.
Makes sense. My grandma just did this shot. MY FAMILY KICKS ASS.
Dude why can't I remember anything after walking in from my first beer bong?
It was immediately followed by your second, third, fourth and fifth
Sex and compliments. The way to my heart
Never underestimate the power of titties
Randomize
