oh. my. god. the guy i hooked up with last night is currently wearing a dress.
Idk man, it felt like my skin was a suit and I could feel it zipping up my side and up to my mouth. And then my head felt like a ventriloquist dummy's head, with the jaw thing..it was freaky, dude
You think that's a metaphor for anything, champ?
Shut the hell up.
i want to find a way to basically assault his face with my vagina.
I was carrying him baywatch style into my place because he passed out.
You can cross "give someone a blow job while playing Colors of the Wind" off my bucket list.
getting up at 8am to start drinking seemed like a much better idea before I had to wake up at 8am
I'm pretty stoned, and for a second I forgot that I'm not actually Barbie and I was getting excited about all the fun we were going to have on my jet.
The walk of shame is a lot easier when I'm at a music festival and it's 12 feet from his tent to my tent
You are living the dream.
almost dropped my phone in the toilet but it somehow bounced off my tit and landed on the floor. Boobs: saving me hundreds of dollars in bar tabs and smartphones since '09
This chick just walked by and pet my beard. Don't know, never talked to her. She just walked by and pet my beard.
Marry her
How do you politely tell a guy that you only kissed him so he would shut the fuck up?
There is a dude riding on one of those standing wheel things inside forever 21. Calm down.
I need a hobby that isn't dick related
DO NOT LET HIM TAKE CONTROL OVER YOUR BOWELS
A relationship is waiting for him to fall asleep so you can cum (finally!) while watching porn
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