I think about you every night.
I'm sorry.
Haha so you are never gonna want to meet my mom now...she just found your thong in her front seat
all i wanna do is slam about 38 beers eat a whole pizza and wake up naked in the taco bell parking lot
I wish real life had facebook tags so i could figure out who all these people are
I have new birth control, three bottles of jack, and some coupons for micky d's. You wanna have that sleepover?
Hey do you have anything at your house 30 ft. tall to throw eggs off of?
Definitely want to eloquently cunt punt those bitches thru the field goals of life.
if creating a fake 8 year old brother, who lives with me and has had mono for the past month, to explain why I have ignored my group project members is wrong, then I... well then I'm probably going to hell
I just woke up tangled in fishing line while wearing someone else's bathing suit with fishes drawn all over me. What kind of sex did we have?
I feel like as your wife, as cool with your decision-making skills as I usually am, there should be a bigger explanation to you adopting a child while I'm in Houston.
I think I met somebody from your birthday this past weekend. He said I held a push up contest outside the bar and told them I would make out with the winner. He said he won..
Drunk logic "let's go outside in front of the bar to get sick"
Zak is like the Picasso of masterbatory texts
I think I fell in love with her when I saw her kick a freshman in the chest
I found a Trump-humping republican virgin born on the goddamn Fourth of July. I NEED to hate-fuck him.
Randomize
