i'm touring the leper colony via mapquest street view so we dont have to go there
Just walked past a girl wearing nothing but flip flops and an oversized sweatshirt crying by the front gates eating pizza. i just found your soulmate.
I was mid-pee and he walked in, claimed he was looking for his phone, and then asked if we could hook up since we were finally alone.
so yall hooked up?
I called my dad at 3 a.m. because I thought he'd be proud that I didnt get arrested. Daddys little girl at her finest...
I kept petting the scarves and telling customers to "feel that shit"
Stop drinking at work.
I'd bet your vomit would be flammable at this point. Can I try to light it?
We wouldn't be friends if you didn't.
We are cuddling. She is so cute when she is too high to be a loud bitch.
His parents know me as "the white shoed screamer"
It's the building I live in, they were lucky I was wearing clothes at all
It's the best! If I had one wish it would be for life to be one really long gay porno. Thats what I wish for during every 11:11.
nothing says "fuck you jocks from high school my life is better than yours" like bringing 5 grand in 20s to the bar
HE MIGHT HAVE YOUR BUTTHOLE, BUT HE CANT HAVE YOUR HEART. THATS MINE.
If I die at work, I want you to have my mustache collection
Please explain the hospital band on my wrist.
i guess "never drinking again" is not an option when you invent a whole new level of drunk...
Randomize
