I'm taking a dump and eating a fortune cookie and it said "Force it to be successful"
I believe that I finger-banged my way to the top of the corporate ladder.
I should have known there'd be issues when he included "beautiful soul" in our playlist
he was actually really polite. he asked before he came on my chest because he "wasn't sure my stance on it".
I'm buying you potatoes, the least you could do is not ask any fucking questions and just say thank you.
I just don't understand how we smoked the EXACT same thing and I feel fine but Tim's over here serenading his fifth bowl of fruit loops with Elton John's entire discography.
The kind of drunk where you put two tampons in thinking that it'll last me longer ...
But the guy you're fucking should not be within ten pounds of your weight when you're five fucking feet tall and he's 6'2". That's all I'm saying.
He pissed on a police station. Then expected to not be arrested. Sounds accurate.
With a breakfast like weed and a fun size twix before a dentist appointment you can see exactly how I handle being an adult
Client visitor days are the worst. If I have to wear a tie and can be hungover at least have the decency to find some more attractive visitors
I caught a glimpse of his penis. I can only imagine what your mom's vagina goes through because of that penis
I let him use my phone and now I keep getting gay cruise ads, I guess he forgot to mention something.
Peeing in taco bell cups is part of the fun of going to taco bell
I just saw a guy walking up the stairs with his dick out his pants. I let him know, and he just looked down in shock, laughed, and continued walking up the stairs.
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