My boss just called me into his office to apologize for being an "inadvertant cockblock"
Shark Week may as well be Shark Weed.
She said you were bangin on the counters of McDonalds singing "These Eyes" at 4am
I just claimed my unemployment in Vegas. This seems wrong.
Look on the bright side, you can mark 'beastiality' off your bucket list
I don't know. I was also picked up by the doormen and held over the bar so I could do an upside down shot out of a bartenders tits.
She's cute, but batshit. Like some kind of dominatrix disney princess.
I have just gotten home. I saw a lot of penis tonight. On a trampoline. Shit got weird.
I want everyone to love me, and THEN I will choose who gets to eat me out all the time.
Your heart is a swirling cauldron of blackness that does not pump blood but rather a sludgey mixture of evil and broken dreams.
I've decided I'm going to drink again. More. Day drinking. Night drinking. Everything. It's the responsible thing to do since I'm not pregnant
Why did I just find out you and Andrew had sex right next to my face when I passed out on the beach?
At the time it seemed romantic and its also extremely frowned down upon to leave a passed out person by themselves in an unfamiliar place.
Why did I wake up by myself then?
In honor of Dennis Farina dying, I'm offering up free mustache rides...2 takers so far.
I can't believe he's mad at you for not remembering your fake anniversary.
you ate an entire watermelon by using a CD as a spoon, then proceeded to chuck the leftovers at some dudes car...
Randomize
