Rosebud was a fucking sled. Gay.
jungle juice + heels + stairs = broken arm
he came over wasted, used the bathroom, drank some water, and fell asleep holding my hand. what kind of a fuck buddy does that??
Nothing says "get your life together" better than waking up in a tub full of your own vomit. Twice. In one night.
Do you know who the random guy who just walked in to kiss me goodnight is?
We were in the hot tub...he ate the pizza pocket directly out of my mouth
On second thought, is it weird that I scheduled a surgery that determines my fertility around lingerie football night? I might have fucked up priorities.
Absolutely not. I would have done the exact same thing.
She shit all over my seat. She is not allowed in my car under any circumstances. Not even with drugs. You can't forgive a shit.
Sex should not remind me of how baby birds get fed
We're exchanging our favorite porn sites at 9 am. I think this brings our relationship to a whole new level
I'm hiding in the bathroom at the library but there are children here I just want to drunk cry in peace
I don't trust his life but I trust his penis.
My "lord keep me from stabbing a bitch" prayer has gotten a lot of miles today
Remind me to never do anything where hiding something in my butt is the best course of action
death, taxes, and me drunk texting you are 3 certainties in life
Randomize
