you dont know how to answer ppls txts anymore?!?
im sorry, i don't get text messages.
I wish Morgan Freeman narrated my life.
What did you even date her?
because emotionally unstable girls are great in bed.
he is training for a marathon but can't last more than five minutes on top. worst tuesday night ever
And then I have a slight inkling that I went up to the bar and tried to order the bartender.
i realized our last day of finals is on cinco de mayo....it's god's way of saying drink ridiculous amounts of tequila and wear sombreros
The door to door salesmen do not expect you to be drunk at 3 in the afternoon
I heard you were walking home with taylor with your dress completely up and your ass exposed
Yeah, that sounds like my life.
DONT LET HIM GET NAKED. JUST SAY NO
Do you think we could brew coffee with beer? I'm thinking a hazelnut Guinnesspresso can only end with pure awesome.
Check 'smoke weed with our ihop waiter' off of our To-Do List
Is it weird that i want a guy to ask me to homecoming by spelling it out in meatballs?
THATS VERY WEIRD
I almost tased myself
I dont think you should own that device.
It's an awesome device. I love this device.
She posted a pic of her bf on ig wishing him a happy bday at midnight. She then proceeded to have sex with me. Who is the bday boy again?
The shitshow that was last night is the gift that just keeps on giving
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