Just learned the hard way that dicks can bruise the back of your throat to the extent that you cant eat. You're dead to me.
she said she was living bicuriously through me.
Vodka @ 9pm. Library. Nothing can go wrong, I promise.
We were sitting in my backseat and he just kept biting me and telling me we weren't at the zoo...
If I come back tomorrow to find a certain football player tied up and locked in your closet, shit's gonna get real.
I'll set him free tomorrow morning ;)
You were too drunk yesterday to deal with me crying so I am too drunk to deal with logic.
I had to dig my own trench to puke in at the resort. That much fun.
This strange Italian man told me he wants to take me for ice cream and kept calling me "tomato" from tinder
The port-o-potty that I peed in last night didn't actually have a toilet in it. And i never told anyone until this moment.
She told me I was absolutely not allowed to sleep with him even though she knows I'm a rule breaker who loves a good challenge.
And for the record I didn't even have sex last night. I threw up in his toilet and slept in his bed until noon
Why does my car smell like burnt toast?
I take it you don't remember trying to make grilled cheese with your cigarette lighter...
The sex was totally worth how awkward its gonna be for the next few weeks
Stop thinking about me and go on your date... at least I got the glitter off your face first.
Where are all your bongs? Your Dad wants to make sure they're put away before his family gets here.
Umm....in my room, on my closet, under the bed and behind my laptop.
Randomize
