Her mom drove me home after I blew a .13 So there I am wishing her mom a happy mother's day sitting in the passenger seat where I just banged her daughter 15 min prior
Now you know why i just sit on the toilet and scream
well most of my day revolves around power hour
best googles of the semester: toe fucking, purpose of two nostrils, human tail. with pictures
Just so you know.. I just graduated college with your name still written on my chest
If that doesn't scream bromance I dont know what does
I know. They started calling me The Incident. The hotel maids, that is.
Made out with a girl in a wheelchair and rode her around while I was blackout. On a new level.
I was dressed as bob Ross as this occurred
I think my hopes are too high for this one. The only other bachelorette party I've been to I was felt up by a Chippendale's dancer and smoked a joint with the party bus driver.
She wants to go as a facebook "like" for halloween, but right now her costume looks more like the hamburger helper hand with broken fingers.
You can't spell "party" without "RA."
You know what else you can't spell it without? "Gonna get fired."
And one night I got way too drunk and thought he said call me a polish name so I called him Konrad. Now he thinks I cheated on him with a Konrad.
That's my new pick up line call me a polish name
Awkward is sitting in your parking spot and making eye contact with every one of your next door neighbors two hours before you have a threesome.
If you wake up with half a an eyebrow.... I'm pretty sure it was a good time.
The modern romantic, surprising his gf w/ a gram of blow
i just used your hair clip to unclog my bong. i miss you so much!
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