the russians are downstairs with the vodka loudly proclaiming happy birthday america. i don't care if it's the fourth, i care that it's 9 am and they woke me up.
Protip: If you slur the word 'tipsy', you've progressed beyond tipsy.
He just "revenge puked" on her kid. I think we'll be leaving soon.
There's a stripper banging on the door demanding to see you.
I slept with a married guy last night and then broke my toe on the doorframe on the way out. I've never seen karma work so fast.
I come back home for break and my room is full of weed either my parents really love me or they are having more fun then I am in college
Found half of a five day old piece of pizza behind my dresser. Apparently it was drunkenly set there and got knocked down. It was such a happy reminder of last weekend.
I found a cheeseburger next to my tub once. It's there to shame you, but it always just makes me feel more awesome.
Bring my gorilla suit and my bong.
Oh its going to be that type of weekend?
It looks like I murdered a care bear and put its blood in my hair to warn the others off.
A bee came out of the shoe box and stung her. Even the insect community doesn't want her in those hideous things.
I wanna send them a card but I don't think hallmark makes a "sorry your fiance and another girl blew me at the same time in a frat house but congrats!" card
I threw up in a wendys bag in her car. when i went to throw it out the window it exploded all over me. No I don't think there will be a second date.
Btw. I have a sinus infection from doing cocaine in a portapotty at a Duran Duran concert. So, gimme a couple of days before y'all start the party.
I just left a 3 minute voicemail to the guy I want to fuck baby talking my cats and I don't know if I can delete it 😐
and then she sorta stared at me like "holy shit" and I looked down and my dog was licking her ass
Ruff night.
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