My liver just broke up with me...
i have a feeling tonight will end in rehab
i should start naming my morning wood
great idea but wrong number
the only reason i invite her is so when the guys start to hit on her i know it's time to take their keys
it's been a while because I don't count the hooker
I literally saw him try to open a beer can with his anus. We need o step up our game.
i think if i got caught drinking at work i could get away with it if i started crying and saying my cat just died. as long as i'm confident.
Do you remember Kelly my alter personality? She talked like a man and would sing amazing grace?
you are like the bill nye of illicit activities
Dude. Photoshop a Santa hat on your mug shot and send it as your Christmas cards.
I just got a lecture from your coked out sister about the monetary value of Dothraki hair braids. Take her home.
We are making a pool on how long he stays sober this time you want in?
I'm in jersey with marbles.. He's blasted about to fuck a manatee and his entire family is trying to stop it. His mother punched me in the chest for not trying hard enough
Trust me, I'm a professional lesbian.
i'm currently watching a guy eat a bunch of cacti and i have lost all faith in humanity
**cactuseses
Randomize