I just saw a midget ride by on a scooter...wearing a bowtie and a helmet. My life is complete.
Tonight i am praying for god to turn my pussy into apple pie because i cant count the number of times bruce chooses food over sex.
She said "You blew my mind last night." and I said "nah, I just blew my load." and her mom heard.
the next morning i told him i was impressed that he remembered my name. he said it wasn't that hard when "tracy
Getting drunk now, but later remind me to tell you how to crash an 8th grade grad party.
I want Paula Dean to narrate shark week next year
Literally been drinking for 10 hours. Hammered. Roasted chestnuts fell out of my shirt earlier.
you asked the janitor if you could ride his floor cleaner.
He was uncircumcised
It was like inception. A penis within a penis within a penis
How did she break his doorknob?
That was our fault. We put a chair under the doorknob so that she wouldn't wander out of his room in the middle of the night and jump into bed with her ex. But she's stronger than we thought.
Just smokin in the creek with some deer, they like the smoke, I know.
I'll give you $10 to get a dick pic with a gecko on it.
I figured working in my office on the 34th floor I'd be safe railing xanax off my desk. Of course, I snort it just in time for the window washer guy to give me a thumbs up.
He called my vagina his wife... how is that NOT creepy?!
Don't drag this out. All I need to know is if I have to put pants on or not.
Randomize
