I actually told the people in the movie theatre to give me a cup and I would dip water from the toilet before I paid $4.50 for a bottle of water.
Dude, I just scraped frozen vomit from my rooftop
I really wish I could say this is a new low for you
i was trying to give him roadhead and my tits kept knocking his cheap shifter into neutral...was the first time my tits have ever cock blocked me
He came in looking for condoms, iced coffee, and a gas tank. I need to be where he's going.
Who is this?
You offered to lift up your dress at the bar so I could see your lower back tattoo
Um, I think that was a general offer to everyone. So...who IS this?
Why is everyone else growing up when I'm just crying, eating, and having pregnancy scares?
He's sending me pics of Yellowstone scenery...the only thing I can think is "I would have sex next to that waterfall"
It was like a square peg in a round hole... I've never seen one shaped like a stick of butter...
Wait is this black Chris #1, cocaine Chris, or gay Chris?
No this is saxophone Chris
This chick just walked by and pet my beard. Don't know, never talked to her. She just walked by and pet my beard.
Marry her
It's all part of my master plan: have him buy me all I can eat pizza and all I can drink beer AND THEN tell him there was no spark and we're better off as friends.
She gave me a job then fed me cheesecake in bed. She's a keeper!
I haven't gotten dressed in 4 days. God bless you, unemployment.
I've never had to say don't judge me for chip clips in the shower before
The gyno waiting room is so strange because the pregnant woman next to me is making a PowerPoint of her pregnant photo shoot with her husband and I’m sitting here trying to figure out from Instagram who I had sex with on Sunday lol
Randomize
