I swear she didn't look like that last week.
I'm so horny!
I'm so hungry
WHAT A TERRIBLE REPLY!
For your pussy...
I have carpet burn on my ass, I'm rethinking my decisions last night.
I'm going to but the new Playboy with Chelsea Handler on the cover. I'm pretty sure it's the only time buying a Playboy will make me gayer...
probably shouldnt have written that paper while wasted, its starts with once upon a time
i tried to stop you but you kept shouting "two birds with one stone!"
Caught my drug dealer jacking off. I think this is a new step in our relationship
i literally paused in the middle of it, turned on my light, pointed to the picture netxt to my bed and go "you hooked up with my roommate too!!! AWWW!" he was so weirded out. i don't think he understands the relationship we have..we share..
pouring popcorn down my shirt before we went to the bar was the best idea ever. it was delicious and convenient.
my coworker just texted me asking if i remember pissing in the mop bucket at the gas station
who knew i was capable of sobriety and human-like emotions all in the same night?
you're trying to get a guy who's been in a coma for 2 weeks and who thought he was in '08 yesterday to drive you to the liquor store?
yeah, you wanna come?
The bachelor party was supposed to stay local but I think were in mexico.
he keeps various drugs in his kitchen cupboard like groceries. that is my new life goal as an adult.
Apparently I was directing traffic outside of Keeneland. Apparently I'm not a police officer. Who knew....
This is my life. Currently ordering a gift for my straight married girlfriend's husband from my lesbian married girlfriend.
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