dinner at cheesecake factory: $40. drinks at yard house: $50. having sex in the VG parking lot while people are staring at you awkwardly: priceless. Goodnight.
you said the mailboxes were turning into babies and they started crawling away. then you cried and asked me how you were gonna get your college acceptance letters
you should buy a sheep. A) you get an awesome pet. B) free coat
I fucked the bump it out of her hair. just had to let everyone know.
the lady next to me just sniffed my hair, smiled, and then fell asleep. I almost started crying from that kind of creepiness
don't cry, we can learn from her
So if you ever need to know a guy who knows a guy who knows a guy that can put a 24oz beer can up his ass... Hit me up...
Well the "Blackout with your sack out" party turned out predictably.
I'm pregnant.
The fact that this number is not in my contacts is giving me hope it's a wrong number???
Maybe it's just my body's way of telling me I don't need pinky toes. Like I'm the next evolutionary leap or something...
Did he seem like the type of guy that would maybe take weed as payment?
the bartender knew what was up when i took a sip of my drink, gagged and asked her to water down my water
You danced?!
I just jiggle to the beat like a sexy lava lamp
I’m also apparently a very socialist drunk now
Instead of a horny one. All I want to fuck is capitalism these days.
sam was dropping a deuce next to me. wrote me a note that said "glad we shared this experience." passed it under the wrong stall. the other guy picked it up. that's all I know so far.
R.I.P my virginity. TOD 12:37pm
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