I'm at some bar in brklyn... just made out with a guy named Owen.
He is a pre-school teacher... just sang me a song about weather.
Almost ran you over in the parking lot. You look good
maybe we dont have boyfriends because we dont have tans
Last night Brynn convinced every person at the party wearing glasses that they stole hers, and she woke up with 8 pairs of prescription glasses in her bag.
When you're on the hood of a car, 10 mph feels pretty fucking fast.
The toilet started ringing, I think I just found your phone.
He was having trouble staying hard then just stopped mid-sex and said "it's overheating" while pointing to his dick.
He just stared me dead in the eye as he continued to beat off. Then said "you were going to catch me sooner or later".
Seriously your house is like the underground railroad for unwanted gay kids
I'm taking a leave of absence and sending myself to fat camp. I'll let you know when I'm out.
Try explaining "the nature of your relationship" to a cop when your fuck buddy vandalized your car. Priceless.
Apparently it's illegal to hit pedestrians with coke cans... But the cop complimented my arm. That's a win in my book.
He shampooed and conditioned his pubes but can't manscape for shit.
So it's my mom's birthday and I wanted to be super cheap and just walk up to her and say "I got you the greatest gift ever, mom! I'm actually sober right now!".
If I get back to the house before you, I'm setting up the swing. If you get there before me, it's chains and cuffs.
Randomize
