The idiot babysitter thought my dildo was a teething toy and gave it to our child.
Did you put it in the freezer again?
she asked if mt Rushmore was natural or man made
Taking back a box of condoms is possibly the most depressing thing i've ever done
You peed in my camelbak and said it was a reverse catheter. Not cool.
Saw a guy pass out and hit his head on a urinal. Laughing too hard to help him up
Hey everyone. This evenings celebration will commence with a cocktail hour at genghis at 830 to be followed with an upscale dining experience at taco bell at 10. All are welcome. This is not a joke. Thank you
We're both on the slippery slope toward middle age...and really shame riddled bar experiences
Just walked into the bar to find a guy in a Boba Fett helmet leaning casually against the wall, texting. This night just got real.
Today is the day I die from a hangover. I love you, mom. Farewell.
He's a loser but she says we just don't see the good stuff about him. It's like she's dating the Charlie Brown Christmas Tree.
I never thought I would have to arrest my own parents on a sunday night
And as the acid sets in, he looks back at the shallow form he used to call his and whispers "3 pee pees strong"
someday i'll meet a man and who loves me as much as i love getting drunk and starting fires
I have tasted many bathrooms
The Adderall says yes, but my body says no.
Randomize
