I just put my retainer in and it tastes like weed
After I tried for five minutes to hang my beer from the coat hanger in the bathroom , I have realized I am drunk
Ryan Howard.... the only guy who struck out more than me this weekend
I just looked at my iPhone gps history... "the gas station", "the park with a big scary fence", "the trampoline", and, my favorite, "where we were when we were about to do lines off a bible".
do to the flooding of the park, there will be a midnight bikini mud wrestling party behind my dorm. all are welcome.
So apparently when he was telling people he was in Alaska for 6 months he was actually in jail
He's got a wife and three kids but I'm into being that mistake.
On a scale of 1 to 3, with 1 being the smallest and 3 being the largest, what size nipple pasty do you think I am?
PLEASE. I won't throw up on the floor this time. Or fuck in the bathroom. Or dance on the pool table. So PLEASE.
I'm using her Instagram as a way to know where in town she is so I can avoid her lol
He stopped in the middle of us banging in order to check in for his Southwest flight.
After we banged he volunteered to ducksit while I went to work. I think that's true love.
He just stopped me mid blow job so he could text his wife asking for TacoBell.
I'm a lady. Ladies do NOT hump the floor.
What’s the level of adulting when you reschedule a dentist appointment to have a threesome?
Randomize
