Why are there so many empty soda cans in my room?
You put them in a circle around your bed and said it was the best way to ward of the witches from hocus pocus....then you remembered you needed salt too. I'm assuming you havent gone to the bathroom yet.
if my college career had corporate sponsors, they would be natty light and aim toothpaste.
i just turned the eviction notice into a beer pong list
Met the five year old's gym teacher for next year. He is an old drinking buddy and I used to fuck his older brother. It was like a walk of shame 20 years late.
Just watched a fat girl on a scooter run into the back of a bus head first
You are the luckiest man alive
We raised our shot glasses and you screamed out "TO MY DAD FINALLY GOING TO REHAB!"
Just took an adderall with a shot of tequila while doing my makeup in the parking lot at work before I go in. I'm also late. They're so lucky to have me.
don't trust your eyes. just sniff them. if they smell like axe, they are broke, move on to the next.
Whatever you didn't send me pics of you topless making bacon
I'm the only one who goes to a bar and leaves with an extra twenty bucks and a pumpkin.
Sweet tea and masterbation. It's how I manage.
You had sex with a mute, how is that not funny
I just my had my first cup of coffee in a week. I think I might orgasm.
Scary. I hope people take me seriously. Maybe I should black out less to be sure
I should probably apologize for licking you last night since you drove me home, but I stand by my decision
Randomize
