please tell me if i'm home and in my bed
negative
come find me please
You kept buying everyone Washington apple shots, and telling us we needed to support local produce.
Dude, I think my check liver light just came on
I just added 'steal mom's xanax' to my to do list for when I go home for Easter.
I knew the cheap date at Taco Bell would backfire because it makes even the most pre-cautious girls involuntary fart in public
She said that I needed to "pregame her so it can slip right in."
he tried breathing fire using moonshine and a roman candle. would not have believed it unless i actually witnessed it.
so how does soaking flintstones gummy vitamins in vodka not make perfect sense
Some days you just pee in a stairwell and go home.
Just saw Santa sitting on a restaurant patio drinking beer and using his free hand to gesture to cars that he's watching them
She is the Michael Jordan of blowjobs. Unfortunately, her baby sister is the Michael Jordan of baseball of blowjobs. It does not run in the family.
I'm pretty sure I made out with a guy in a man thong.
Explain to me how we're not being documented on? A gynecologist I saw two times 8 years ago popped up on my people you may know list on fb. What in the actual fuck?
She's asleep in a fisher-price toy car
Dude chill patience is a virtue.
WHY DOES PATIENCE HAVE TO BE A VIRTUE, WHY CAN'T HURRY THE FUCK UP BE A VIRTUE?
Randomize
