I'm gonna get wrecked tn I might have to keep my phone at home cause I'm sure ill send you really weird txts
I'm in that stage of denial where I hope our kids have his nose.
You do realize that you broke up with him, right?
I just beer bonged a sparks. You better get your ass over here because no one is on my level yet
The liquor store is having an inventory reduction sale. It would be a sin not to stop and help them out.
And we all know God doesn't like sinners.
Amen.
I STRONGLY considered not bringing that guy home with me last night simply because I'd JUST changed my sheets that morning.
I mean I drunk but not enough to handle a Scientology convention
when we went to bed he asked me to hold his penis so he knew i was there for him
This coming from the girl who broke up with a guy because she found out he played the tuba in middle school.
Explain it like you would if you were talking to a 5 yo
Wait no, like you would to a stoned high school freshman.
I got eye-fucked by an 80 year old man wearing a cowboy hat while I was singing country. How do you think karaoke went?
I just want to trick people into going on dates with me so they can bring back to their houses and let me use their wifi.
We stopped mid-sex and both shotgunned a beer then got back to it. Is this what love feels like?
i just looked at those "hey" messages and i was so confused and then i remembered we were practicing texting with our tongues.
Now with the essential back story, I can empathize. Sorry about your beer and butthole.
Serious question, on a scale of go for it to what the fuck are you thinking, what's me going to a monk or any religious official and saying "baptize me daddy" in a serious voice?
Randomize
