He just turned on a sound machine. I need to get the fuck out of here.
The project manager just came into talk to me for the first time and I had justed googled best drum solo ever and couldn't X out of the screen.
If the first sentence isn't something about weed or the nature of choclate I'm skipping class.
You're getting a blowjob this afternoon. This has been your morning public service announcement.
Three questions... How drunk were you? How long until we can make fun of you for this? Do you even really need a spleen?
Dude, for your own safety, do not bring that chick home. I'm pretty sure you're going to find a marsupial pouch smuggling a fresh batch of herpes under that hoodie. Bail bail bail bail bail.
if I just puked into my own hand, but then cleaned it up quickly, quietly, and calmly, am I still a trainwreck?
I don't drink so I see St. Patty's as an LSD type of day. Its like a more hardcore 420
Of course I'm not above using aladdin and pot to get laid, this is america
I will blow you tomorrow if you bring me food tonight. Like a payment plan
I'm not gonna lie. The thing I miss the most about him right now is the air conditioned hotel rooms.
Sad realization: so long as I use this sleep apnea machine, I will never be the little spoon!
I woke up naked and you weren't here. What a relief.
When my card got declined you bought the vibrator without me even asking. This is what friendship is.
Who cares if he’s younger, he’s hung like a moose. Your vagina will never forgive you if you pass on that dick
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