Just figured out how to smoke weed with a toaster.
Topless wife handwashing shirt. Tonight marriage is good.
wow, so sex, not that great its like masturbating with a warm towelette, like the kind you get at a japanese restaurant
Smoking bowl and applying to community college. I now know how I got here.
Handjob with gloves on results in friction burn. In case you've ever wondered
My neighbor is on the his front porch in a robe dipping a popsicle into what appears to be vodka. I want to be his son.
ill give you food and tequilla and penis and joy
Final Summary: could he eat a lit sparkler? Probably. Could he do it while peeing off the roof? I'll tell you when you get to the ER.
After we had sex he told me it was a "goodbye gift". We haven't talked since.
I was in a penguin suit. Dick out. I am confident in the value of my pic.
There's no good way to say, "sorry your son saw me naked on top of your brother"
I'm way too hungover for life right now
Why do all the Father's Day cards talk about what a great dad they are? Why can't there be one that says something like "Thanks for sticking it to mom and making me possible, your sperm was appreciated."
You know you've been on Tinder too long when you're the guy cropped out of the profile pic. Of a woman you're still seeing...
The dog peed on the neighbors baby Jesus. No wonder she thinks we're the devil.
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