Living well is not the best revenge. Fucking his brother is.
I went golfing for the first time today!! Aren't you proud?
Driving a golf cart around all day with a keg attatched to the back doesn't exactly count as golfing
So he told me he didn't have a condom, paused, and then said "so, pulling out" and tried to high five me.
Just seen a scantily clad pirate with 2 36 packs of natty ice on a bike riding with no hands. If she doesn't hit a speed bump she's golden and should be on the next Americas got talent.
you know, even black out drunk I can always remember the exact point where I should have stopped drinking.
I came so hard that my back seriously popped like 5 times.
Threesome in a minivan. New low
Ya he's alive. Apparently he's been drinking Naty and listening to Unbreak My Heart on repeat all day.
Its kind of weird knowing that im only seeing you that day to fuck in some woods
Oh my goodness please please please my inner slut needs some pampering, shes getting rusty and nothings worse than a rusty slut
I think mark twain said that originally
I settled on "Merry Christmas! Btw you may have chlamydia". I thought a nice holiday greeting would soften the blow
I kind of really want to call off the engagement but I kind of need his mom's mashed potatoes on thanksgiving so I'm between a rock & a hard place here
There's no button for "gave my boyfriend's cock to a friend" on my intimacy calendar.
I hate to be the bearer of bad news, but yours is no longer the biggest penis I've seen. It is however, still the prettiest.
I think I should write my liver a thank you note. If it had my work ethic, I would be dead now.
Randomize
