Remember that time I came into your room after taking a muscle relaxant and we argued about what state has the longest coastline?
I cant go down on him yet. All ive had to eat is olives and percocet. semen would only add to tomorow mornings discomfort.
you know i think I know why you are single...because you are real cute but then you open your mouth and let words come out and all goes to hell.
Just got cockblocked by coyotes. This would happen to me.
Ok, Jen and I are going out tonight and getting rowdy. I think you and Steph need to come. I understand if you can't, but not going out means you're automatically obligated to post bail. If necessary.
well shes beginning to earn a reputation as "the girl who tries to bone her hook ups in the ass with a pickle"
So a list of things I should stay away from bringing up at dinner with your fiance tonight?
1) you and I went to a strip club 2) i saw you topless at said strip club 3) i cried when we watched the Real World
She told me a motorboat isn't successful unless they come out gasping for air. MISSION ACCOMPLISHED!!!
If I puke off the kayak tomorrow think nothing of it.
i was in burrito mode and too drunk to move. no fucks were given. none.
We decided to make playlists for each other. Do you know any songs that say "sorry I'm not as hot as your prostitute ex?"
You got pulled on stage by a stripper who wore ruffled ankle socks and did jumping jacks for her dance. Then you were put in a chokehold by a security guard that almost cried because you supposedly said "fuck you!" to him.
Laying on a pile of just out of the dryer clothes because this is NOT real life.
I'm getting a car wash man. I am go get a car wash high.
I’ll always remember that day you sent me that random nude on accident lmao changed my life
Randomize
