Hot mess moment: I just made really spicy guac and picked my nose, which set it on fire. I tried to neti pot it with a coffee pot, which resulted in me gagging and puking all over my bf's bathroom. oopsie.
Hit a parked car with a "property of Jesus Christ" bumper sticker. Wrote out five hail mary's and left it on the windshield.
new excercise plan: walk a mile get a bj then walk a mile home
When you accidentally type "I want Prince William to fuck me in the ass" to your mom there's really no way to take that back.
That reminds me of that one time you handcuffed me to a table leg while I was reaching for the vodka.
I AM OVERLY HIGH AND OVERLY AWARE OF MY TONGUE IN MY MOUTH
I don't give a damn about what he wants to do with his life. Personalities are for pussies.
I fucked my cousin and caught chlamydia this year. I can't really harbour any illusions about myself anymore.
Dont even get me started. you fell asleep in my kitchen after being cockblocked when you tried to use my roommates bedroom.
stop fucking thinking about him when there is A MILLION OTHER PENISES TO RIDE IN THE WORLD
like, there should be nothing wrong with me wanting to watch you put on a bikini and roll around in a kiddie pool of jello
I wrote notes to myself all over my body. "don't yell at cops again" "Cody stole your phone" "you kissed Cody" "vodka shots are bad for your liver" and "cactus pretty" WTF????
Why did I wake up covered in glitter next to a half eaten cheeseburger?
Dude I'm fucking tired of freshman, there are god damn teeth marks on my dick again
I’m inviting a few of my favorite manwhores to a pool party. Bring booze and wear your banana hammock so Amy can see what I’m always talking about
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