I passed out in the cab. Woke up to the cabby yelling SIR SIR WE ARE AT THE TRAIN STATION!! SIRRRR!!
I wish I could tape me & him having sex. Not for pornographic reasons, just for comic relief.
i bet even starving children in Africa take the crust off their poptarts
dude skip the party. it is a fucking post office here
what the hell does that mean?
nothing good but a whole lotta male and packages
If you weren't supposed to have sex with your ex then they wouldn't rhyme.
you should be back in the room by now but just so you know. you passed out at the black jack table and they wheel chaired you out. strip club in about 45 minutes. game face bro.
My bullwhip has saved my life tonight and gotten me laid. I'm gonna be Indiana Jones every Halloween!
the repo guy said it was the first time he'd ever started to repo a car with someone fucking inside of it. he might have said 'doing it' instead.
Bad things happen to those who bang their lab partner at the beginning of the semester.
You think you know everything because you're wearing a sweater
I just faked an orgasm while masturbating. Idk what exactly my problem is but I have one
He brought me hungover chipotle knowing full well he wasn't getting a blow job. I think he may be too in love with me.
Pumped to get "pass out-wake up in Berlin-buy a chinchilla" drunk?
Omg my brain. Most recent thought: I fucking prayed in the bathroom that the other girl would leave. Prayed to Jesus
Still can’t get over the fact that we ate beef jerky off a strip club floor
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