woke up in a shopping cart using a keystone box as a blanket. how was your night?
sometimes i wonder what i would do without sheltered catholic girls w/ overprotective parents
never have sex?
Because of no shave november, it's no boys december... pay back
I said I wanted my dignity back. He brought my thong to me after sharpie-ing "dignity" on the front. I'm not sure if I should me mad or impressed.
He gave Paula abdoul a run for her crazy
That haircut screams I'm 35 but I still eat pussy.
My gynecologist inadvertently complimented your penis.
PS- I just stirred my mimosa with a slice of bacon
Well, she's officially disappointed in me. I have it writing.
WHY ARE YOU POKING HOLES IN MY 3AM LOGIC?!
Just successfully went through airport security with shrooms. It's gonna be a fucking awesome new years
We're only going to be this young and this cute but for so long. And how often is it that a pack of Albanian law students is in your house?!
Hey nothing wrong with those! I can't believe the guys who let me see where they live on first dates. Even more surprising, I don't stalk them after they've done me wrong.
who was i chillin with last night? i woke up in a storage unit
I just put my eye make up on in the bathroom of the bar.... I may be too comfortable here....
Randomize
