ya i looked horrible drunk and pregnant isn't a good combination
Is a box of franzia too insincere of a gift for "i'm sorry I backed into your toddler with my car"?
grown man stumbling drunk down green street wearing nothing but a hot dog costume and crying. its not even noon yet.
I have a feeling that watching gay porn with you was the reason I was dancing in a hurricane of floating dicks in my dream last night.
he confused my yawn for an orgasm
at this point every shot is just a haymaker to my liver
He still lectured me about forgetting shit. Than he said he's gonna paint me green so I can stand in a corner and be a plant.
PSA: Morning booty calls are no longer accepted after the hours of 6am when I've been drinking or before 11am when I have not. Your cooperation is appreciated.
Currently in the bathroom stall of a gay bar in new haven giving myself an anti throw up pep talk
While looking for an apartment, I've realized that the way I rate balconies is on the "how easy would it be to smoke weed here" scale.
What other scale is there?
I just messaged a senior at Harvard and told him to 'tinder me softly'
Nursing home in NJ just got busted for prostitution and drugs...dropping off my deposit tomorrow
That shot was terrible
You were like one of those guys at carnivals that spit out fire..... Except it was throw up
She told me I should be proud of my dick pics, then told me she was in love with me, then I dropped her off at her boyfriend's. I was a new kind of failure tonight.
I gave him a hand job in the parking lot... now he thinks we're meant for each other...
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