Dude just bought condoms some sad fuck next to me buying a pregnancy test he gave me a look like he'd pay me millions to switch places
my hippie aunt just sent me some brownies with a note saying not to eat them under any circumstances until finals are over. excited.
In all seriousness...vodka, almond milk and chocolate syrup make a decent white russian.
Drunk
Deyhxbr
Fucaerrrrr
Covered in gravy. Never pour gravy while drinking.
She has a boyfriend. But if he's a decent human being he understands blowjobs don't count as cheating with her. Keeping those miracles to himself is a crime against humanity.
STD scares really help you understand the whole six degrees of separation thing...
I wish I could but I can't. No beer pong or sex on a hammock...such an unproductive weekend
ok. i'm ready for you to come back and test the structural integrity of this futon.
You made out with him a lot. Almost as much as you told everyone Paul was the zamboni guy.
"I licked someones beard, because I can."
She showed me her tits outside Taco Bell....After she flashed the dude working there in an effort to get in.
I got the beer and the first aid kit. You get the tequila and burn cream. We should be set for the camping trip.
I went to an adult Halloween party last night dressed as Mrs. Doubtfire, but I woke up on a stranger's couch surrounded by sleeping children in karate gi's. And I accidentally flushed my granny wig mid-puke, so if they wake up I'm gonna have to convince them that I'm just a weird older man and not a terrible cross dresser.
How did you come to this point in your life?
Good bartenders.
I'm to childless and to single to be asking myself why I'm so sticky
Randomize
