omg. why did you never tell me how amazing shitting and smoking is?
i thought this knowledge was automatically promulgated at the age of eighteen?
we just made rock paper scissors into a drinking game
The doctor wrote 'condom retrieval' on my discharge paper.
He made me stop in the middle of giving him a blowjob so he could go get his glasses. because he "wanted to see". I need to stop dating nerds.
Her grandmother had a handicap stair lift. I just put her drunk ass on it and let her ride it up. Thank God for broken hips.
I may be Daddy's little princess, but doesn't mean I can't be the blowjob queen.
Just in case you were wondering I sent you a text at 4:37 in the morning because I woke up on the side of the highway at that time
She called me her guardian angel after I picked her phone up from the river of pee coming from her front porch.
I understand why they say don't drink the water in Mexico... I just saw 5 guys piss upstream of where the bar tender went to get the water
he said he was going grocery shopping but when he came back all he had was a jumbo bag of pancake mix and case of beer.
the essentials, lol
I was super proud of him for making a mature relationship decision, and then I remembered that he cheated on her. With me.
I snapchatted him nudes and he didn't screenshot a single one of them because he's a gentleman.
tried to suck my ex boyfriends dick last night at a bar... Happy homecoming from me to you
You just missed an honest to god bukkake
dude it's 9am and i'm still drunk it's too early for sexting
You're not who I thought you were. You've changed.
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