batman just walked across the sidewalk
lay off the drugs
no for real he was wearing a cape
Guy in our group took down a chick in a wheelchair last night.
and i fell asleep on top of a grilled cheese sandwich. not the best decision. but not the worst.
I'm so pissed my boobs hit the emergency stop button during my workout
The other. Cat spoke to me and left. This shit is laced
The first cat might save me but they are taking out masks
im tired of her bring homeless men home when shes drunk. THEY ARE NOT FUCKING PETS!!!!
When you put it that way it sounds like my vagina is a parking garage to be monitored by security guards
I was all over the place but at every locale you would pop out of nowhere and hand me a huge drink and say "HAMMERED"
I am the fairy godmother of the drink.
Dude, I had to stop mid fuck. Her cat was swatting at my balls as I did her from behind. I couldve lost something.
I just realized that I have dated 5 unemployed guys...and 3 that drove pt cruisers...Turns out I do have a type.
Okay, new plan. Get drunk, eat breadsticks. It's going to be great.
It must be love. I'm deleting my porn for him.
I'm currently in a U-Haul truck right now. Going to a party. I hate myself.
just to let you know, that was probably the funniest text i've ever received.
I suppose that kind of helps fill the void where my self respect used to be.
never let me tell the bartender to cut me off, i basically told on myself
He wanted me to do the rubix cube. He thought it was hot.
Randomize
