Dude, I woke up at my ex's house. I am spooning her half naked roommate. There is a pizza on my shoulder. I need you to come pick me up.
yeah, but that could mean anything in Denmark.
let's bang
You're in my phone as 'Weird Bus Guy' so I think my answer's no.
I just queefed in yoga class and now the old man next to me is smiling at me.
Just got a script for 120 vicodin with 6 refills. I feel like michael jackson.
I could make treat bags
don't worry, your friend will b fine, they treat virgins nicely around here
I got a job at a micro-brewery. Now who made the bigger mistake, them or me?
Ok love is a little strong. But he consented to Nachos, beer and board game date with my cats. Keeper.
So hungover. They actually hid easter eggs around me.
Let's drink?
Just because it's bacon vodka doesn't mean it's for breakfast.
Oh if we have sex in public no one will frown upon it. They will stand and cheer for it
I had to break it to her that she was not in fact behind the bushes when she peed on the church last night
The only thing about him that I appreciated was that he destroyed the bathroom at your birthday and missed singing to you. And we all knew.
Chili is not acceptable fuck buddy food.
Ben Franklin would totally be a furry.
You're smoking weed and checking Tumblr I take it?
Randomize
