Sitting at a bar next to a guy wearing sunglasses drinking a pitcher by himself and having an argument with himself over if journey is more ballin than kiss. Feel better about myself.
His dick might not be the answer to my problems, but I'm definitely ok with testing it as a possible solution.
Just erased 'masturbate' from my mental To-Do list because I've got too much stuff to do. I hate adulthood
The gay bar tender told me I looked like Prince William. And that I needed my balls licked.
You almost set me on fire last night.
You probably deserved it.
Why were you eating a hot dog in the bathroom at 230 am?
My roommate was sleeping, I thought it would be rude
Just got to her place. Her parents are here and are high as a kite.
Her father just game me a high 5 as they left the room. Her mom leaned in and said "this is a rebound thing"
we both turned hook ups into relationships we are crushing this thing called life right now.
If someone told me one person in the department was secretly a death eater, I would suspect her, no contest.
I just found a reminder in my phone to ask you about your sex life in 7 years. So how is that going?
Come home, I'm drunk on the porch and pretending to smoke breadsticks like cigarettes. Enticing, right?
I just moved my 11am hair appointment to 8am so I could blackout at noon. Who am I?
he fucked me while wearing his "Reagan Bush '84" tank and my inner democrat has never been more disappointed
Life should not be this hard with a dick this big.
Just walked outside my house; realized I wasn't wearing any pants after about 3 minutes or so.
Drunk, high, hungover?
...I wish I had an excuse.
Randomize
