Do you have any idea why the dryer isn't working?
Because you touch yourself at night.
It's official. Every guy I've slept with has been to jail.
All four of us managed to throw up in the same bathroom at different times during the night. I think we'll get along great living together.
do you guys have 30-35 shot glasses? because if not, i don't even see a point in me coming
Awesome. My fame will spread to DC... As will the herpes.
Ignoring the crisis im in. Sitting in the front yard in a kiddie pool. Wearing arm floaties, fins and a snorkel. Waiting for a hot guy to walk by.
Things I had in my bed when I woke up: an avocado, a toilet brush, and a note that says thanks but no thanks with the number of taco bell on it. WHAT DID I DRINK?
I woke up at 3am, my head in a toilet, still at the kegger, wearing a random cowboy hat.
I've made friends with the guy dressed as a gorilla that was chasing the guy dressed as a banana around with a super soaker full of vodka. I feel this will be a good relationship for me.
I'm not saying Tijuana was a bad idea, I'm saying that we make poor life choices. And Steve was robbed by the police.
He pulled a bucket of fried chicken out of his backpack as a peace offering. Under the chicken was a rainbow bag of weed. We're dating again.
Hey, I'm probably about to be arrested but I didn't want to wake you. But it would be cool of you to get the $500.00 I have in the box I keep my "medicine" in and come bail me out. Also I figured you would be amused at the thought of me fending off brutal prison rape tonight.
He wrote me a Haiku titled, "Let me touch your butt".
She gave me a boner for the first time in 9 years.
last time we tried to watch a movie together, we ended up having really aggressive sex. during the Lion King. so what Disney classic will we be ruining this time?
Randomize
