remind me to tell you what i found stuck to me this morning
My dad just questioned my drinking habits... Clearly he doesn't know what kind of college education he's paying for
theres a difference between trying to make someone happy and letting them fuck you in the ass
I was more traumatized by the table collapsing while i was going down on you.
I opened my door to go to class and all there was was a raccoon puking on the doorstep. In hindsight, it was a very accurate omen.
I had to close one eye to read the questions on my final this morning. That hungover.
I just couldn't load the family groceries on to the same seat where I had sex 12 hours ago.
Im walking to an ob gyn practice session right now. Literally have to get face first in a middleaged vagina in 10 min.
It was my little brother's 14th birthday today. Didn't know what to get him so I just showed him how to use incognito tabs on google chrome.
Thank you for making it possible for me to get laid while having peace of mind my dog is well taken care of.
So your contact has been changed to "jizz weave" in my phone. Now, as strange and random as that may be, I'm slightly embarrassed to say that I have more than one contact that fits that description so please identify yourself.
Yeah, nothing like barfing into a grocery bag you just put dog shit into.
At one point I yelled "THIS IS MY PENANCE FOR EVERYTHING I'VE DONE WRONG" and started saying Hail Marys
Wait I can't come yet Mr. Brightside is playing
ok i defs just took my shirt off in the middle of a frat party though so keep me updated
Listen, I love you but you cannot refer to your dick as the holy sister anymore
Randomize
