Haha so you are never gonna want to meet my mom now...she just found your thong in her front seat
There are two people having sex in one of the showers right now trying to silence their orgasm sounds and failing. Thank you coed bathrooms.
Lowest moment of my life just occurred. I literally threw up all over myself in front of my parents.
Still in Rome. Hooked up with frat boy from SoCal that's studying abroad. He said he was 1/8 italian. I'll take it.
She started licking your face, then you turned to me and said "I guess thats my cue", and you proceeded to hook up with her.
Can you give me a hickey quick? Im going to a white trash themed party. Completely serious
Walking down the street at 11 pm dressed in bubble wrap. Why is the bar so fucking far away??
This year i'm grateful for nothing other than the discovery that the uncircumcized rumors about him were wrong
I cannot believe he got soft mid fuck. I just hope he bought that horrible impression you did of my dad. I love you though, you came in clutch tonight.
It was the least I could do after throwing up in your purse.
Just found my socks folded and in the back pocket of my jeans. Apparently drunk me refuses to lose shit after the panties incident over New Years.
Not sure if creeper guy is too drunk to talk or I'm too high to listen.
It's pretty telling that my resolutions all involve who I will sleep with in 2014.
It's important to play to your strengths.
Just had a flashback of scottish man yellin' at my face. What the fuck I did?
Did you come home, throw out a ton of shoes, then leave again?
That is exactly what I did.
You’ll (maybe) appreciate that I picked at my ingrown hair again. Quarantine updates are getting BLEAK.
Randomize
