Dude. I just woke up without a shirt or bra on. Apparently I fell asleep with a quesadilla in my mouth. I can feel my liver hating me.
i just identified you from a description of your pipe
I woke up to three texts telling me to "go fuck myself," a panicked voicemail from my mom, and a girl thanking me... I'm not sure which I should take care of first
Just threw up in the garbage can outside the liquor store... I'm pretty sure that's some sort of distress signal.
is election day enough of a holiday to justify getting fucked up on a tuesday?
not to be a dick but do you remember the names of all your friends i made out with after we broke up?
I guess she thought her walk of shame would be more dignified if she stole my dog
And he probably thinks I'm in love with him but after three shots of Patron you love anything
Are you having sex right now? Or is the apt just swaying rhythmically on its own? Either way, awesome.
There should be a promo code on the Papa Johns website for "I have no moneys but if you send a cute delivery guy I will pay him in blow jobs."
He won't leave and I need to take a shit and vomit, quite possibly at the same time.
I took a pregnancy test at Pancheros a bit ago.
I didn't want dick. I wanted spaghetti.
So I have now fucked both my roommates...This is why I can’t live with men.
my vagina can't handle any more of our 4 day long smash bash. it should be like a holiday or something. should only happen once a year.
Randomize
