Take xtc, wait 20 minutes and then take a shower. Trust me.
What's the big deal? you guys fuck
3 times is my limit. I don't even want to know you exist after 3 times
I think I just fucked my first person born during the Clinton administration
It's 1 AM and there's a guy outside my house belting out Bennie and The Jets. He stops in between verses to puke. I'm joining him.
I fed him pizza in bed. I'm probably the best one night stand ever.
She suggested that I come visit her in Europe and hook up with the heteroflexible Korean who sits next to her in class. Polylove is the best love.
Look man, sometimes you just gotta say "Sure! Why not? I can always take a shower afterwards"
She asked if i could guess "what shape her carpet was". I got it wrong (christmas tree).
So hungover. I dropped my keys and leaning over seemed a terrible idea. Instead I took my shoe off in the middle of the street and use my toes to pick them up. Think I'm a genius.
I mean of all the things to be cockblocked by, Taco Bell is pretty high on the list
Have 7 min to kill while I wait for liquor store to open. Feels really awkward.
Going to put that on my resume. "Only accidentally snapchatted my titties to all of my friends once."
Ah you cut my boxers off with scissors, we're way past introductions
so my parents definitely heard me when I was cumming last night...
GOOD MORNING! This is your wake up call! Just incase this text wasn't enough, I had sex on your bed last night while you were drunk hitting on my sister. Dan jizzed on your pillow! We rubbed it on both sides! Now get up and go to class!
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