His uber religious wife caught us having anal sex in their bed..... she called us sodomites. Can you even be a sodomite if you're a girl?
You're not a sodomite. You're a whore. Tell her to get the insults right. Did she try to save you with Jesus?
She said she'd pray for me. Man, if I had just caught my husband balls deep in some ho, I'd say fuck the praying and kick her ass.
I told him that he is like a snow storm I never know when he is coming, how many inches I will get, or how long it will last
A stripper just got mad at me for saying goddammit. She's in no position to lecture me on morality
Your friends ate a hole through an entire loaf of bread
just got tipped $5 to put a barbie in a waffle cone and drip caramel sauce on it while a group of dudes cheered and one took pics. 90% sure they were sober
Well, he has like 3 girlfriends but I think I could be polygamist for that dick.
Bad news. I baked you a cake and one of my fingernails is missing.
I think you're going to have to drive me to white haven. I don't know if my brain can handle having my mom drop me off at a strip club.
I'm slowly getting to where I don't hate people anymore.
Never mind. Some random dude just walked past me and asked if I was having fun. I snarled at him. I might still kinda hate people.
It's cool bro. The video I have of you drunk trying to fix it with the sonic screwdriver was worth it.
Apparently I drunkenly agreed to help the homeless. For once, I'm not disappointed in drunk me. Four for you, drunk self. You go, drunk self!
I need a guy who can see in me what the lesbian community sees in me
I got the beer and the first aid kit. You get the tequila and burn cream. We should be set for the camping trip.
can you come here so we can have really loud sex? the girl upstairs walks so loud i want her to know how it feels
of course
I'm eating ice cream out of my purse
Randomize
