I just had sex in the back of an ambulance. Call me.
My life is a requiem composed in the key of fuck.
Sorry the STD update turned into an attempt at a bootycall, but at least we both know we're clean now
I don't even see the point of going over to his place dressed anymore.
I hope you fall on your chin.
Jealousy makes you ugly.
Just out of curiosity. Did you wait until my fb picture was well liked by others before liking it so people won't know we're fucking?
Just got a Snapchat of his dick with the caption 'We miss you.'
That's true love, there.
Texas awaits me. And all the cocks that live there too.
I've had more jaegerbombs than I can count on 3 fingers
On a scale from 1-10 how wrong is it to request "I Hit It First" at my ex's wedding reception?
Definite 12.2 but worth it.
Every time I'm hungover I just want to watch Harry Potter and cry.
Hooray! My email address wasn't leaked by Ashley Madison!
I will chop off your penis
Kids I used to babysit are now fuckable members of my social media periphery.. Getting old sucks
Please don't give away my fajitas
I should've known a straight guy wouldn't know all the words to Moana
Our love of vodka is more proof than a maternity test
Randomize
