you tried to scramble eggs in my dryer last night. i want you here in 15 minutes to clean this shit up
MTV running anti-sexting commercials is a slap in the face to everything our generation has accomplished.
you're the only person i know to use "jizz" and "cute" in the same sentence.
Biggest lesson I have learned in college: Drink if you are happy. Drink more if you aren't.
Hey on the reals though tomorrow if i take you out to lunch as just a friend will you also suck my cock as just a friend?
Couldn't get it up. She asked me what she was doing wrong. Didn't have the heart to tell her. I appreciated her willingness to adapt, but she's pretty much gonna look that bad her whole life.
Yeah. I've decided no relationship can survive me shoving my boobs in the guys face
Okay. So my choices are the sleeping Guy who looks about twelve and a man that looks like he was the original sandman. Im gonna need a beer for this......
I think his roommates are using word magnets to tell me that they can hear us. His fridge currently says, "Chris ate out naughty girl."
Either I think of sex like a man, or all the men in Vegas are women.
I know you're aving fun across the room but I can clearly see you getting a handy. It's not as "low key" as she promised. Also, why are you texting while she's doing it?!
Everyone's impressed that I actually got pee all over his car since I'm a girl and they're a little curious..
Is it sad or funny that I just bought two pregnancy test at the dollar store to give away to people on New Year's Eve while driving for Uber.
His name was Dragon. For real. How do you not sleep with a Dragon? Don't judge me.
cinco de mayo stole my toenail
cinco de mayo stole my virginity.
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